A Dreamy Evening

Just returned home from what was one of my best evenings since the last few months. Perhaps it was the only one evening that had an ounce of life in it. Kudos to Angela for bringing that back.

I've known that wacky, boisterous young gal since 13, a good 8 years now. I daresay nothing has changed much about her save a little plumpness at the sides. But golly, she still has that jubilant frame of a character. Seeing her so happy makes me wonder why I'm down in the dumps.

It may be cliche to say this but her eyes twinkle with amazing liveliness. I mean I've hardly ever seen someone with such lively eyes. If I had a quarter of that vigor I'll be energized for a week.

The evening played out like a concerted orchestra. The air was crisp and clear, the skies were punctuated by the stars so high and the roads bathed in soft light. We met her at the airport, screams and yelps were exchanged and hugs were given and accepted gracefully. She wore a purple outfit, arms full with her coat and bags. Despite her long flight she wasn't none too tired nor sleepy just very excited... ...

What to do ?

Lately the weather's been terribly scorching hot. Despite the fact that I've been hosing myself with water, drinking loads of water and wearing absolutely nothing, I've still been sweating like a mad dog. I wonder if I'm alright.

Things have been running wild in my mind. Depressing is the more apt term. A slow numbing sensation that creeps up to you and blankets you with despair. That's how I feel. I think its a natural reaction though. The days that have gone by without so much so as a problem sum to solve, an essay topic to ponder on or perhaps a debatable party to engage in, is truely mind numbing. Saying this I feel a slight tinge of guilt, somewhat like a diet gone wrong. Isn't this what I've always wanted? Wasteful days of nothing but movies and games? I'm afraid the academic in me has longed to see worlds of text and symbols.

Sceptics would scorn my statements. Friends would be baffled. Family will be stunned.

Just what do I really want to do right now?

Standing behind a window for 20 mintues

Today I've stood in front of the glass window for a good 20 mintues.

Cars whizzed by, pedestrians shuffled along, trees shifted with the wind as the sun beat down upon the earth. The world is moving outside my window. Life is moving. Why I am on the otherside? Why am I still being suppressed and trapped? Now I know what a mannequin feels like.

Sigh. These days have been real slow. There is nothing uplifting when I'm on the otherside of the window. All I can do is to peer into other peoples' lives and try to remain oblivious to the fact that I'm an NSF. I've related this to my mates in suffering and they too, are sympathetic and bear the same remorse. "Tough it out", that's what they said, and that has been the general consensus.

Feeling sad for myself isn't going to help me.

I can't do anything to my parents. I suppose its just time to get out and never come back.

Never really liked my parents or shared anything with them to any extent.

God needs help too you know.

A mintue ago, I could have sworn I sounded like Raine. Lack of freedom, curse my dad and mum, stereotyping teenagers and stuff like that. I really don't like to mimic someone else.

I've just come to terms with myself that no matter what I do I just do not get enough support or earn enough faith. I think this is really terrible. Even the most independent or the most powerful person on Earth needs some support. Even God needs some help.

I feel just awful that I've to use such a medium to complain or rather to communicate with myself. I just makes me so weak and small. Haha.

I can't drive on my own until I'm 21. This is totally unfair and baised judgement based on nothing more concrete than stereotypical teenage idealism. HAH! Kudos to the drunken whores and hormone driven male bods. Thanks to you people, the world of tradional parenting just got an A star! Its just too bad that law-abiding innocent teens like me have to pay the price. Ain't that unfair?

I've decided quite a long time ago I'll never ever do reservice. Its a challenge I've placed upon myself. No one is to make decisions for me anymore. Charge me, I'll leave, force me I'll never let you people see your first born's grandchildren. Sons of bitches.

Late Nights

Its late in the night or should I say early in the morning.

Looking at my surroundings I'm strangely reminded of the days I studied late. The errie silence and the cold dread of night, its all too familar to me. The glow of fluorescence and the occasional barks of the the strays that loiter in the neighbourhood are my late night companions. Saddled with thick notes and books I studied through the night. I didn't realise how I've managed to put it together during those nights staying up late but somehow it worked out ok.

So bold as I might add, I missed those days. I feel that all students should experince late night studying. Its one of the defining points of being a student.

The Angler Hoisting A Boot

I think I'm starting to wear down. The constant travelling and long hours of mind numbing administrative workload had worn me down. Its not just that, its also the lady that delegates useless and unimportant tasks to me. All in all, I feel like a guy skating on thin patience.

Perhaps it is the trip back home that wears me down. Everyday I go home only with the short relief of ending work and the knowledge of the suffering to come in a span of couple of hours. I really wish it could end now and that I can proceed with studying. I really do wish it so.

However my grumbles and mumbles I must say I've met some really nice people. I believe I have made a really cool friend. In my ten months of service I am really glad and partly surprised that I've met such a friend. Uncalculating and most helpful. Besides that, he possesses none of the sarcasm and hypocrisy I so often met with. What a change of faces!

Emo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

These few days had been a rollar coaster of emotions.

Firstly I've recently met with a primary school classmate of mine - twice! The first visit was a glance across a bus stop. I recognised him straightaway but I very much doubt he remembers me. His appearance left a tidal surge of emotions. It made me feel forlorn and regretable. I could feel the very wide gap between us and how much I've fallen behind. These past 6 to 8 years had been really laidback for me and I feel that I've not been putting in enough effort in my work. Most regretably I might add. I wish I had been more disciplined and serious.

Perhaps the culture had attributed to my lack of former lustre. The culture of fun and games, of interesting people and environment all concocted in a poison that slowly killed me. But then and again, it is selfish of me to push the blame on other things and neglect the sole culprit responsible - me.

Thus, I shall 'refresh' my life from now on and focus on self improvement. I've decided to loan some books from the library to decide my future studies. Anyway I've been reading a bit on biological psychology and medicine, probably not the best path for me yet. Now all I need are some books on mechanical, electrical, chemical engineering, physics and mathematics. Ooo, not to forget my books on fringe science and game theories.

- Off to read like a bookworm!